Fertility of the Spirit

“Sing, O barren,
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD.  (Isaiah 54:1)

I have never given birth.  In our early thirties, my husband and I discovered that we each had issues with infertility.  We suspected a problem in our late twenties, when we started to try to get me pregnant.

Having children was something I wanted to do with my life more than anything else.  When I was single and 19, I wanted to be a mother so badly, I was even considering going to a sperm bank.  I wanted babies.  I wanted to be a good mother to them.  I wanted to love them, play with them, kiss them until they giggled, and most of all, I wanted to teach and guide them.

I remember first finding out that there was a problem.  I was in such shock that I just drove in my car, weeping, and listening to a song that kept telling me that everything would be all right.  Then came the tests and the specialist, which not only confirmed that I had a problem, but that my husband did, too.  How could this be happening to us?

The specialist gave us several options and something in my soul immediately shouted, “No!” so we did nothing.  I saw him instead to help me with an insulin disorder related to my infertility and got that regulated.  Almost each time I went for a follow-up, the procedures were presented to me again.  I’d go home and reflect, and still felt that disquiet in my spirit.

People can be really insensitive when you cannot produce children.  They told us to relax, go on holiday, or try all sorts of remedies—without our invitation to talk about these things. Please, whatever you do, don’t torture an infertile couple like this.  They are in enough pain.  Unless they ask to discuss it with you, let them be.

When people did speak to me this way, I would go into my room, pick up the literature from the fertility clinic and it would entice me to consider the options that went against that still small voice in my spirit.  This cycle of confusion and temptation went on for years.

Suddenly, it hit me.  God does not make you feel confused or tempted.  He gives you clarity and peace!

I told my husband this and he agreed.  So, we started to think about adoption.  But for some reason, we could never fully get enthusiastic about it.  We couldn’t figure out why.  We knew of couples who successfully adopted children in our community, and thought very highly of it.

Finally, Bruce said to me, “I think we’re just not supposed to do anything.”  Almost immediately, we both felt this peace.  Peace?!  Not doing a thing to pursue parenthood gave us peace? I would have gone to a sperm bank at 19 if I had known where to find one! How can I now be at peace with doing nothing?

Because, it was God’s will for our lives.  Accepting that peace released me to go through the grieving process.  Mourning over the loss of children you will never have is a very lonely thing, because no one seems to understand how intense a grief it is.  We have funerals and memorial services for babies and children who have lived and died, but there is no service to comfort the barren woman.  So, we grieved alone, and I did so longer than Bruce.

I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I was in my thirties and had a sort of identity crisis.  I had mentally reserved this time in my life for raising children.  What do I do now?

Bruce said, “Let’s just live!”

“OK,” I thought, and I just started doing things.  I started a small consulting business.  I kept up my bass guitar and played in my church’s worship team.  I joined in fellowship with other Christians, felt a calling to be baptized, and did so.  I read the Bible every day for about five years.  I even knit for other people’s babies, which though sad at first, gave me great joy, especially when I saw how happy it made the mothers and how cute it made the babies! I spent my time singing, playing, laughing, and I enjoyed people.

I attended a study series by Beth Moore, and one of the things she mentioned was the concept of “spiritual motherhood.”  She spoke about how God can call you to a younger person, to be more than just a mentor, but to care for them in a very special way, as a mother would.  She talked about how a woman was a spiritual mother to a young woman, who then had a daughter. Then the young woman’s daughter became close to the older woman.   So, this older woman was a spiritual mother and grandmother!

I thought that was sort of a neat concept, and then just filed it in the back of my mind.

Yet, in a few short years, I was to be a spiritual mother.  I didn’t know it at the time.  To not one, but two young people, a son and a daughter.  You cannot imagine how it feels in my soul to be called “Mom.”  Yes, I know these are not my biological children, and they have parents of their own who love them.  But God created a special place for us to have a relationship together, and it just fills all the places where grief used to reside.

And now, my anam daughter (anam is Irish for soul), feels called to spiritual motherhood of two young ladies, who call me Grannie Cait.

May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,
And fulfill all your purpose. (Psalm 20:4)

Not only did God fulfill the desires of my heart, He also made me a young, sexy grandma! (God so rocks.)

In Isaiah 54:1, the barren woman is the new Jerusalem, who never bore a child, but whose children will be as numerous as the sand on the shore.  This holy city comprises all the people who God has called to Him, whom He has saved! This barren woman has many children, because they were all born again, of the Spirit.

God’s Spirit is not infertile.  The Lord is patient, waiting for all to repent, and turn to him. By believing and submitting to Him, our spirits will not be sterile, but fruitful. And together, we are all His children!

Parents, even though you do have children, I would encourage you to pray that God leads you to provide spiritual parenting to someone.  I don’t think a young one can have too many parents loving them at the same time!

And if you have discovered you cannot have a child of your own, take heart.  God has not forsaken you.  He just has a different plan.  The best thing to do is wait for Him to show you what that is.  In the meantime, I pray for your peace.

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)